i haven't borne the feathered
weight of hope in a long time.
despair was heavier,
but easier somehow;
and resignation the easiest of all.
disengaged from a life
whose possibility seemed to have run out
some time ago.
i have big dreams,
and - yes - i've dreamed them before.
but they've stuck around,
and i want you to know:
i expect a lot from you, new year.
some live absent to the moment by giving their hearts
to a future of possibilities, staying there.
dreamers, they may be;
but they can't see the beauty of right now.
i, too, have been unable to see the beauty of now
but it's not because of dreaming
or living into a future hope
it's because i give up. every day.
i've lost heart.
but in these beginning days,
this newness that hasn't yet worn off,
i find myself awake, and longing
my word is restore.
and it is both promise
i will be restored
to ways i was meant to be, to live
in this world.
maybe that means i get messier
(because God likes that about me).
maybe it means there is deep
healing of old wounds
older than you might imagine.
because he is not just restoring me
to "the girl i once was"
to "the girl i never was [allowed]
but was always meant to be"
this is deep shit.
i'm not expecting free sailing
to the restoration Promised Land.
i suspect it will get worse before
it gets better.
but i'm all in, 2014.
and you better be, too.