Thrashing: Day 18: Celebrate freedom

i'm shaky as i write this.

i don't know if it's the glass of wine, or tired muscles from dreading my first nine locks, or if it's the unsteady steps i am taking toward freedom. 

i am free. i know this.

but there is a cost to living out this freedom, to choosing it - over, say, people-pleasing. 

and i have been unable to make that leap. 

but tonight, i think it finally clicked. maybe. 

tonight i danced barefoot on my front lawn under a full moon. it occurred to me more than once "what the neighbors would think/say", and i did it anyway. this is a new thing for me.

then i came inside, and with this song playing loud in my soul, i began the slow work of dreading my own hair.

i have been waiting, and i think part of me was waiting for permission from someone, in the form of agreeing to help create these dreadlocks i have been wanting for months. i hoped some kind of community would be available to me, their grace and acceptance and time and muscles. 

but tonight, as i was consciously choosing to step into my purpose, into freedom, it became clear that it was time. 

i am home alone this weekend, my boys at their grandparents, so i can engage with the Secret Rebel Club's virtual retreat. my husband doesn't even know, and here i am knotting my hair up beyond recognition.

and i love it.

i feel beautiful.

i feel like me.

i feel free.

Thrashing: Day 5: Let others find their way

i am afraid to let others have a different path. (because i haven't given us all permission to be as free as we are)

i fear that it means the way my heart experiences life and God is less valid, when i am met by blank stares or "biblical" arguments against what i have known as truth. (because i haven't given us all permission to be as free as we are)

the way i have dealt with this previously has generally been to villify those who would discount my experience, to have hope that "maybe someday they'll get it", but until then, they are stuck. (because i haven't given us all permission to be as free as we are)

my husband cringes when i talk about certain people who have been important to him (us) along the spiritual journey. i caricature them and how judgmental they are, how illegitimate their ideas. i guess this all comes from being trained that there is one "absolute truth", one "right way" and we have to find it. (because i haven't given us all permission to be as free as we are)

"Do I really want the cookie-cutter approach? Do I really believe that if Jesus is the way, then our roads to get to Him must all look exactly the same? Our lives must all contain the same elements? There must be God's one way to live a good life, and the details all play out the same? If I do this, then God rewards me, and if He doesn't reward me, then I haven't performed to His liking? Is this my life to the full? Penciled-in stars? 

What's inside me either matters or it doesn't. Either it is worth listening to or it isn't. Either it is worth exploring or it is worth ignoring. But the decision I make about my worth is a decision that will affect my entire life. If my story doesn't matter internally, my story won't matter to anyone else." - Mandy Steward, Thrashing about with God

no one else can decide who i am. people may have their opinions, and they may have differing views about what is important, even what is crucial.

but right now, for me, and for humankind, i can declare:

i am free

you are free

my story matters

your story matters

we have permission to be who we are, where we are, right now.